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Dating for over a year no commitment no disappointment

opinion

I Dating for over a year no commitment no disappointment 31 and have been seeing my boyfriend for six years; he is He has a busy job, which takes him all around the world, and he is hugely focused on his career.

I would very much like to get married, and have attempted to discuss the subject with him on a number of occasions over the past few years, but he refuses to give me a straight answer. My friends say that when they try to broach the matter with him, he becomes uncomfortable and evasive. His response to any conversation that touches on the issue is to defer any decision-making for a further two years, saying we can talk about marriage then. I have reluctantly accepted this because I don't want to lose him, but my friends are concerned that he is messing me around and they have asked me what I think he is waiting for exactly.

They have asked me why he finds it necessary to postpone even discussing it, if he intends us to get married eventually, or at the very least has not ruled out the possibility. They point out that, even if he feels it is too early for us to marry at the moment, that doesn't stop us getting engaged, thus making a commitment to do so. They fear that I am risking tremendous disappointment in the future, having already invested years of my life in this relationship, in the hope that Dating for over a year no commitment no disappointment will proceed to a lasting partnership and marriage.

He needs to think that he might lose you. Otherwise, why shouldn't he put you off for another six years? I was in a similar situation and had been living with my boyfriend for five years, during which time he dodged all discussions of marriage.

Eventually I prepared to move out and put a deposit on my own flat rental. He proposed a week later. Does your boyfriend eventually want marriage? He already has everything he wants - a job he loves, a "base" for when he is not travelling, a supportive yet independent partner. He is only 30 and has all the time in the world to settle down and procreate, unlike you. Accept that you have as much commitment from him as you are going to get, and ask yourself if it is enough.

Only you can know the answer to that. I suspect you already do. Your problem reeks of self-doubt and lack of confidence, and perhaps it is this that needs addressing. Be brave and ask yourself this: If he is putting his job before you and doesn't want to get married, what is the future for you both?

I am puzzled by this "two-year" embargo. Are you really happy to let somebody have such control over your life?

It sounds as if you need to learn what is right for you. What is the point of being in a relationship with someone who refuses to discuss your future together?

It seems that he does not want to marry you, or even become engaged: I was engaged for three years to someone who wanted to get a ring on my finger, but did not want to set a date. I left him three years ago and have not looked back since. Women tend to stay in relationships far longer than they need to, because they have invested time, love and energy. But if you are not getting worthwhile returns, it is time to leave.

You are still Dating for over a year no commitment no disappointment and will find someone else. Georgina Copeland, via email. You are very lucky to have such a caring and supportive group of friends; you obviously respect their opinions and are right to do so. Importantly, you describe your feelings of dissatisfaction first, and use the voice of "the chorus" as further evidence. You say you want a serious commitment; six years is a long time to be in a relationship that is not demonstrating signs of one.

He is showing a basic lack of respect by refusing to discuss the matter with you; it is juvenile and selfish. Staying in a relationship Dating for over a year no commitment no disappointment this will continue to erode your self-confidence and sense of worth.

A break-up will be painful, but it sounds inevitable, and you have a good support group to help you through it. The empowerment you will feel when you have taken charge of your life will provide a solid platform from which to build more meaningful relationships. Eleanor Kent, via email. Your partner clearly has no intention of marrying you - but that doesn't mean he won't spend his life committed to you. Why is a ring and the title "Mrs" so important, when you are already in a long-term, committed relationship?

Does your faith require your union to be blessed by your god? Do you feel "abnormal" as your friends have conformed to the social norm of "I do" and you haven't? If you want to stay with this man, you need to find what is at the root of your need for the marriage ceremony, then see if it can be addressed without a wedding ring.

I am not married to my partner of 20 years. I have Dating for over a year no commitment no disappointment not to marry as I rejoice in the fact that we are together because we choose to be, not because we signed a piece of paper. It is my choice, and it may be your partner's choice too - perhaps he is too scared to tell you as it conflicts so deeply with your ideals.

After being nagged by you, and harangued by your friends to enter into an arrangement he does not want, your partner is still with you. He just does not love the institution of marriage. You have told us that you have been with your boyfriend for six years, and it sounds as if you get on well. You respect one another's individuality, and allow one another to develop your own interests and careers. That means you are already - and have been for some time - committed to one another.

The confounding factor in your dilemma is the interference of your friends, and your apparent readiness to feel concerned when they raise issues about your relationship. They are the ones who seem to be suggesting that your boyfriend may be "messing you around" - I did not notice you introducing this idea.

He won't change

Furthermore, the fact that they have tried to broach the subject of marriage with him seems extremely invasive behaviour. Isn't this a matter for the two of you only? It is not necessary to marry to show commitment, and many couples who marry do not remain committed or faithful.

Marriage does not necessarily guarantee anything - it certainly does not guarantee a lasting partnership. I'm sorry to hear that your friends have suggested - and you seem to have accepted - that your "investment" in this relationship won't pay off unless it ends in marriage.

If you consider your relationship to be some sort of investment that demands a particular pay-off, not only will you trivialise the commitment you already have to one another, but you will also put yourself in danger of regarding the preceding six years as mere waiting time Dating for over a year no commitment no disappointment your "real" life begins once you are engaged or married.

You are living a good life right now. I hope you can understand your boyfriend's behaviour better now. When your friends talk to him about marriage, are you surprised that he becomes "uncomfortable and evasive"?

He is bound to feel trapped and defensive. Hopefully, you can find a way to let your friends know that you would prefer to handle this matter yourself, without their help or advice. Once this is clear to your boyfriend, he will start to feel less ambushed.

That is when you two can really start to talk, and you can find out why he avoids the topic of marriage whenever you bring it up. Your aim will not be to discover whether and when he plans to marry you, but why he seems uncomfortable talking about marriage.

Did his parents have a miserable relationship? Does he have friends who have had dreadful experiences and who have warned him off getting married?

Threaten to leave

Is there a chance that he was unhappily married before he met you, and has been afraid to tell you? Or does he want to postpone even thinking about marriage until he doesn't feel any outside pressure to do so? There could be any number of reasons for his reluctance and reticence.

How often have you wanted...

Once you understand his motivations, you are both likely to feel more relaxed about this matter. Only then, if you still have different views about getting married, can you start looking for a compromise. Over the past couple of years, I have been lucky enough to make a really good friend of a work colleague. We see each other socially, our partners have become friends, and sharing confidences and hopes for the future has made us emotionally close.

Recently she applied for, and got, a promotion that has made her my boss.

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